Jeffrey H. Baer’s
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Gosh, I hope David Letterman doesn’t find out about this...
Top Ten Things We Learned From The Clinton-Lewinsky Mess
10. There’s more to Arkansas than the Ozark Mountains
9. Special Prosecutors are no different from regular prosecutors
8. An impeachment trial that doesn’t lead to a guilty verdict is boring
7. The Pentagon is the last place you should hide an extramarital affair
6. The networks think presidential scandals are better than Melrose Place
5. You can’t blame a divorce on a right-wing conspiracy
4. Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” is really about whoopee
3. The First Lady won’t be the last
2. Never elect a president with something to prove--like his manhood
And the #1 thing we learned from the Clinton-Lewinsky mess?
1. No stain, no gain.
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce “Brooklyn”
7. Brooklyn Park, MN
6. Brooke Shields
3. That place between Staten Island and Queens
2. No man’s land--and no woman’s land, for that matter
And the #1 way to mispronounce “Brooklyn”?
1. “Are we still in New York City?”
Top Ten Reasons Not to Buy Pamela and Tommy Lee’s Video on the Internet
10. Tommy will break your arms and use you as a drum set
9. Pamela won’t use her Baywatch skills to save you if you’re drowning
8. They’re not getting royalties from it
7. Hugh Hefner knows who has it and revoked their Playboy Club memberships
6. You might get a copy of Barb Wire by mistake
5. You might get a copy of Rob Lowe’s video by mistake
4. They violated Dr. Ruth’s number-one rule: always use contraception
3. The rest of Motley Crue gave it three thumbs down
2. Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder’s video is much more artistic
And the #1 reason not to buy Pamela and Tommy Lee’s video on the Internet?
1. If you’re that horny, make your own damn video!
Top Ten Other Skeletons In Bernard Kerik’s Closet
10. Gigli scriptwriter
9. Lied about his age at an American Idol audition
8. Wondered out loud why Chicken of the Sea is a tuna brand name
7. Squeezed the Charmin
6. Ripped off his mattress tags
5. Tried to evict those hawks from the Fifth Avenue building because his dog told him they were Antichrists
4. Mangled “The Star Spangled Banner” at a Yankee game
3. Called Katie Couric “perky”
2. Used the Vulcan Neck Pinch on an unsuspecting Rudy Giuliani--and succeeded
And the #1 other skeleton in Bernard Kerik’s closet?
1. Failed Rogaine model
Top Ten Reasons I Should Give A Rat’s Ass About Rosie O’Donnell Leaving The View
10. Not enough controversy during the NBA season
9. If she unloads on President Bush, he might bring our troops home from Iraq
8. She can help me get a job...
7. ...or a literary agent...
6. ...or a book deal...
5. ...or a spot on the next season of (gag) American Idol...
4. ...or a songwriting contract...
3. Too much focus on Paris Hilton going to prison for DWI
2. We can start a support group for people who fail at every job they had
And the #1 reason I should give a rat’s ass about Rosie O’Donnell leaving The View?
1. Otherwise she’ll make fun of my hair--wait a minute...I don’t have much of that to begin with...
Top Ten Reasons FOX Canceled Melrose Place
10. Jane and Sydney’s rivalry violated President Clinton’s family values platform
9. Male fans bailed when Kathy Ireland, Victoria Silvstedt and Traci Lords turned out to be guest stars
8. Zippergate (Clinton-Lewinsky) made a better soap opera
7. Scriptwriters pulled episode ideas from the New York Post
6. Jack Wagner threatened to sing on the show
5. So did Thomas Calabro
4. Heather Locklear couldn’t fit the show in with her L’Oreal commercial shoots
3. Ally McBeal appeals to more neurotic viewers
2. FOX executives realized the format was used better--seven years too late
And the #1 reason FOX canceled Melrose Place?
1. The cast was exhausted from all that bed-hopping!
Top Ten Collaborations Between the Disney and Playboy Channels
10. Thong of The South
9. Backdoors and Broomsticks
8. Deep Throat and the Seven Dwarfs
7. Pete’s Dragon Lady
6. Minnie Does Dallas
5. The Apple Dumpling Gang Bang
4. The Laying King
3. Sleeping Hussy (thanks to my girlfriend Karen for this one)
2. Beauty and the Beef
And the #1 collaboration between the Disney and Playboy Channels?
1. 101 Dominatrices
Top Ten Reasons Disco Doesn’t Suck
10. The Bee Gees proved men could be men and sing like women
9. Donna Summer’s “Love To Love Ya Baby” was the closest thing to actual sex for some people
8. Comiskey Park got more people for the anti-disco rally than the ‘79 White Sox
7. The music industry desperately needs the revenue from the reunion tours
6. K-Tel boosted our economy all by themselves in the 70’s
5. It’s just not a party without the “YMCA” dance
4. More job opportunities in the glitter ball industry
3. Studio 54 drew all the drug dealers off the New York streets
2. Have YOU ever tried dancing to Linkin Park?
And the #1 reason disco doesn’t suck?
1. It has no mouth!
Top Ten Reasons The CFL (Canadian Football League) Is Better Than The NFL
10. Free beer
9. More free beer
8. Lots more free beer
7. Players and cheerleaders can date each other
6. The salary cap cannot exceed the government’s revenue for any given year
5. Longer and wider fields mean the players really get a run for their money
4. Opposing players beating the crap out of each other during NHL off-seasons
3. Jim Rome doesn’t complain about them as much
2. The hope, especially in Vancouver, of Pamela Anderson coming back as the Blue Zone Girl
And the #1 reason the CFL is better than the NFL?
1. No Terrell Owens!
Top Ten Other People Who Won’t Forgive Don Imus (Like It Really Matters)
10. Paris Hilton
9. Sanjaya Malakar
8. Tera Patrick
7. The branch manager at Apple Bank in Bay Ridge
6. George Wallace--wait, he’s dead...
5. Larry Birkhead, not that he doesn’t have other things to care about
4. The guy who runs the karaoke on Coney Island during the summer
3. Osama bin Laden—wait, he’s dead too...
2. Gloria Steinem, for damn sure
And the #1 other person who won’t forgive Don Imus?
Top Ten Reasons Maxim’s Cover Women Never Smile
10. Misaddressed census forms
9. The photographer dangled Twinkies in front of them too long
8. No callbacks from The Real World
7. Hypnotic suggestion: “You have PMS...”
6. Bad hair days (especially for a brunette Jenny McCarthy)
5. The awful notion of Dennis Rodman looking better in those getups
4. They didn’t get any recognition for inventing the Internet
3. Delayed publication of The Strickland File
2. Well, if you read the teaser copy next to your picture...
And the #1 reason Maxim’s cover women never smile?
Top Ten Features of an Adult Internet Cafe
10. A scantily clad hostess named Daisy Wheelprinter
9. A complimentary issue of E-Sex magazine
8. Topless waitresses serving exotic drinks like CD-ROM ‘n’ Coke
7. Modem sex with other patrons
6. Body painting on QuarkXPRESS
5. The Technical Lovin’ Support Team, in case something goes down on you
4. Sensual cyber-massages
3. Mistress Lightpen, the resident dominatrix
2. The T&A show “Hard Drive Revue”
And the #1 feature of an adult Internet cafe?
1. Laptop dancing
Top Ten Signs The 90’s Are Popular Again
10. VH1 broadcasts Behind the Music specials on Hanson and LeAnn Rimes
9. Flannel shirts and ratty blue jeans are fashionable among middle-aged citizens
8. R. Kelly’s “Bump ’N Grind” is the most popular wedding song
7. Beavis and Butt-head: The Broadway Musical
6. Aberdeen, WA hosts “Cobain-stock”
5. The Starr Report becomes mandatory reading for college freshmen
4. Disneyland moves to South Central L.A.
3. NBA teams have at least one player with green hair, tattoos, a lousy work ethic, and a short-lived marriage to a pin-up woman
2. The bombing of The Rosie O’Donnell Show set
And the #1 sign the 90’s are popular again?
1. A sharp increase in penile reattachment surgeries!